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Aneano
Angemeldet seit:
28.11.2022
Beiträge: 88
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Greetings. I learned about my wife's ED in 2016 when I walked in on her in the bathroom. She broke down and admitted she had a 'chewing and spitting' habit of 15 years. I was shocked and frankly upset she had kept it a secret - as my ex wife was anorexic and I have two boys. I really didn't want both the primary women in their lives suffering from ED. Nonetheless I stayed to try and work through it with her in a supportive and non-judgemental way. We were broke and she wouldn't talk about it much so it went unresolved and untreated.
Then when finances turned around for us in 2018, I could afford counseling for both of us separately and together. My therapist urged me to get her to track what she was spending on her habit and to find a way to shut it down. She refused for months and I finally had to cut her off financially. After a month of me doing all the grocery shopping, we deduced she'd been spending $1,000 a month on her habit. She replaced her habit with gum chewing which she still does on and off but it's gotten a lot better most days.
We started getting low on funds in 2019 and had to cut out therapy. At that point she was on the road to recovery (it seemed). Then in 2020 I stepped on a scale to learn I'd gained 48 pounds from the time we'd met and the doc said I was 40 pounds overweight and being 50, needed to drop at least 30 pounds for my heart health.
That's when the new trouble started. The minute I tightened the belt she started freaking out. She doesn't let me cook and is in charge of all our dinners. For awhile I let her make me lunch but I stopped because I didn't like her having control over so much of my food. There's no doubt she's been feeding me too big portions for years as I'm highly active and work out at least 45 - 90 minutes a day (she says she doesn't like to eat less than her man so my portions are always much bigger).
She started with a new therapist 6 months ago who diagnosed her with anorexia and body dysmorphia. She's been thin but I hadn't realized she'd dropped below 100 pounds. The therapist is good (I think) but my wife will not tell me about her program or what she's doing, other than she's microdosing psilocybin and using cognitive behavior therapy. Neither has seem to do much yet. There doesn't seem to be any nutrition plan to get her to gain weight.
After dropping the first 14 pounds, I plateaued and started yo'yoing. So I started intermittent fasting and cut out snacks and dessert, cutting down to about 1800-2000 calories a day (which my fitness app says I need to do to drop 1-2 pounds a week). So what I'm doing is barely a diet and it's super safe.
Unfortunately it's hyper triggering to my wife. Every single day she is looking over my shoulder, tracking what I eat, counting calories in her mind, accusing me of restricting and will not allow me to cook dinner for myself. She's developed a habit of eating light dinners and then gorging herself on fruit. If I don't eat desert (even after eating 2x her portion at dinner), she calls herself names like "fatty" and gets very triggered and upset. She's also started intermittent fasting along side me which is very unhealthy for her at her weight. But she is so co-dependent she can't get herself to eat until I've eaten at 1PM.
So I've tried to set boundaries around meals - telling her calmy and kindly I need to feel in control of my own food intake and can't have someone looking over my shoulder. That didn't work. Then I tried to use logic, showing her my calorie tracking app and assuring her the numbers don't lie. I showed her my weight tracking which has me on a 5 pound yoyo - up and down for 4 months now. And explain that it's impossible for me not to lose weight if I'm restricting the way she thinks I am. She gets super defensive then and tells me to stop trying to use rationality as she's very sick and it just makes her hate herself more. More than once she has said she wants to die, that my "diet" is killing her and she can't eat half the time and can't gain wait because of it.
Often times I'll overeat if she makes too big a portion because I know if I don't finish it, she'll freak out. Those nights I spend the night suffering from acid reflux.
Oh and BTW I'm pretty sure she has undiagnosed BPD or HPD and has severe abandonment and emotional regulation issues.
So I'm looking for some advice here - is it ok for me to ask her about her recovery plan? Nutrition plan? What is she doing? It seems like there really is none and she's just flailing about, wallowing in her self loathing. As a caregiver, how much should/ can I get involved in coaxing her to get on the right program or find more help?
One idea i had was to come up with a meal plan for myself, share it with her and show her every week ahead of time what i'm eating with calories. I hate giving up that much control and needing to stick to a rigid plan, but I'd do it if it would help her.
I'm really at a total loss. I love her and want to stay with her and support her recovery, but she's making life miserable and more important she's interfering with my own health and weight loss struggles. I can handle being with a recovering E.D. patient but I shouldn't have to sacrifice my own health in the process.
Oh and side question…our food budget has been crazy - up to $2,500 a month for the two of us plus my two teen boys who are here 25%. We managed to bring it down to $2,000 and I asked her to track her fruit spending (Mind you I make 90% of the income and she is supposed to be finding a job but really isn't looking). She resisted for 4 months and finally tracked it to $300 a month...just on fruit! We want to go on vacation so I asked her to cut it to $4 a day. Now at night when her $4 of fruit is gone she goes into a pouty funk and is pissed she has to be on a budget. I’ve asked her to tell me what’s a reasonable amount but she won’t give me a number - it’s the accountability she doesn’t like. She deflects by nitpicking the things that I buy. . Am I wrong to ask her to reign in her fruit addiction and stick to a budget?
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